In the ancient Kama Sutra, the focus was on the woman’s pleasure. But for modern day, I think it’s so important to talk about reciprocating on the man.
With the woman, when we pleasure her, we begin with the clitoris and touching the different parts of her Yoni. Now we’re going to talk about taking hands and fingers and approaching the Lingam.
Many times when I’m with couples, who are tired, or they’re stressed, or they’re in a sex-less relationship for one reason or another. There’s a sense of, “I can’t do anything about it.” They get frustrated or despondent. And sometimes being able to do a “Lingam release” with the hands is a wonderful way of allowing couples to connect with one another. He has his arousal needs met and released, and she feels as though she is a participant.
It’s important to take this idea of something that occurred in India in the 3rd to 5th Century and think about telescoping all the way to the 21st Century. How does this apply to us today? It applies to us in a significant way. Being able to arouse your man is often a lot easier than arousing your woman.
For a lot of men, the sense of sight – just seeing her walk across the room naked, or in her teddy – is enough for him to feel, “I’m ready!”
But she may be thinking, “What are you talking about?” Right? For men, often it’s visual, and often it’s touch. And sometimes, any form of touch on the penis – or the “Lingam” as we’re calling it in Kama Sutra tradition – is something that can occur in any way.
Often, a woman using her hands to pleasure her man is a way to create a very, very heightened arousal for him. And the better you are at it, the more pleasure you both get. The most sensitive part of the lingam is the head, for most men. And ironically, in my teachings I say that there’s a “male G-Spot,” and that G-Spot is called the frenulum. If you turn the penis down and put your hand down to the head and feel where that little ridge comes together in the back, that’s the male G-Spot. It’s the most sensitive part of most men’s anatomy.
Maybe not for all men, but many know exactly what I’m talking about – they know that spot really well! When a woman is pleasuring a male and uses her hand up and down the shaft – oiled or lubricated in the same way as for the Yoni – and she touches that spot, she’s upping the ante on his pleasure and arousal.
There are many ways to pleasure a Lingam. You may want to focus on the head or the corona. You may want to focus on the shaft, which has fewer nerve endings and is not as sensitive. You may want to play with the scrotum, which is a part of the male sex- ual anatomy. You may want to play with areas around the Lingam – just as with the female… You may even want to include the anus or the perineum, which is the ridge between where the genitalia are and the anal opening.
It’s all wonderful, and healthy, and whole, and natural to stimulate and pleasure.
Use different techniques, like going around, going up and down, and varying your pressure, just like with the female. Vary the pres- sure of light tough or intense touch, varying the speed in particular.
I’ll remind you of this again, because it’s worth repeating: the goal of the Kama Sutra is not orgasm. However, do you think a man could have an orgasm if his partner were to give him manual lingam love in the way that I’m describing? Of course. It can and it does happen, and that’s perfectly okay, because men have a refractory period or a resting phase and come back.
Remember, the Modern Kama Sutra is about the process. It’s not about the orgasm; it’s about the entire experience. So it may be that with your manual love you’re going to create such a high state of arousal that he’s going to pop. And it may be that he can sustain being on the edge. In the ancient Kama Sutra teachings, holding back your ejaculation was one of the goals. Not popping, not cumming, not losing that excitement that’s contained before ejaculation… often that is done by the male, or your partner, push- ing on the perineum when that urge is about to occur.
Pushing up on the perineum is one of the ancient techniques. And here’s another secret technique for stopping ejaculation. This one is mind-blowing. If you feel that you’re getting near the urge to ejaculate, put your tongue on the roof of your mouth! It is said in the Kama Sutra that doing this stops the urge to ejaculate. It sounds weird, but try it!
Pleasuring the man with your hand is something that you can be creative with. Think about it. You can use both hands up and down, or around. You can play with your nails… lightly, very lightly… on the head. You can go use scratchy-type teasing touches down the shaft or on the scrotal sack. You can squeeze tightly. You can use two hands or one hand and go up on that G-Spot, the frenulum, on the underside of where the coronal ridge comes together….
Whatever it is you do, connect with your partner. Use what you’re doing as a way of connecting to your partner and giving to him. And for you men, this is your opportunity, in an odd way, to access the feminine energy that you carry by being the perfect receiver and allowing her to find her pathway to give.
As we know, the Kama Sutra is very big on kissing. Whether it’s kissing lips to lips, face to face, or oral-genital, the art of kissing applies to oral on a man the same as it does to oral on a woman. Oral on a man is often something that women are not as skilled at as they might like to be. The way to become a good oral lover to your man is similar to what men need to know about being a good oral lover to their woman. Except that anatomically, of course, we’re quite different!
How you use your tongue and your mouth for pleasuring is often a gateway to both of your arousal. Certainly, often for most men, when your beloved is giving you oral pleasure on your lingam it’s pretty much going to be an orgasm. And again, the Kama Sutra teaches that orgasm isn’t the goal, but orgasm is fine if it happens as you’re practicing these techniques.
The more skilled you become at holding back your orgasm, I guarantee, the more ecstasy you’re going to feel. So just know that being on the edge, for both men and women is part of what makes sex ecstatic in the Modern Kama Sutra. I want you to connect with that idea.
Think about how you want to approach him. It can be kind of fun to let your mind go wild while you think about where you might want to do it. Imagine being out hiking, or at the lake boating, or outside on the deck, or in the woods, or at the beach, or wherever it is that you are… and imagine sneaking it in! Doesn’t that add an ecstatic sense to it? Doesn’t that give you more excitement? There’s something about the idea of taking it outside that adds to the ecstasy.
There’s also something exciting about surprising him. He could be lying on the bed relaxing, and he thinks it’s time to go to sleep until you say, “I have a surprise for you!” Right? And there you are and you get into it on the bed, which is a traditional location, but he wasn’t expecting it. So the element of surprise adds the spice.
There are so many ways to make this creative and exciting. The head of the lingam is so sensitive that for most men having a mouth or a tongue pushing, or licking, or flicking against it is total ecstasy! Many men have reported that having a woman perform lingual love on him is what they live and die for. Like, this is it! This is the ultimate! It’s an opportunity to give extreme pleasure to your partner. And often, if a man can find the control not to ejaculate, having the oral experience and then converting that heightened energy to use in full sexual union later on can be absolute rocket ship to the stars.
There are so many ways of pleasuring a man. Consider using a flicking motion with your tongue. You can lap him up and down, you can circle the head, or you can go around it planting tiny little bites and kisses on him. You can excite him with the classic “licking an ice cream cone” move.
When you as a woman get to give to your man with your tongue and your mouth, you get to be in a very powerful role, don’t you? So I want you to focus on what your intention is in honoring your beloved, and giving him extraordinary ultimate pleasure.
Many men enjoy having your hands go up and down the shaft at the same time your tongue and mouth are sucking and licking, and doing every kind of motion they can. It can be really exciting and propel him straight toward orgasm. Playing with the whole lingam structure, and doing whatever feels right for you will take both of you to new levels of heightened pleasure.