Sight, smell, taste, sound, touch. The word “sensual” means pertaining to one or all of the five senses… arousing or exciting the senses or appetites… or preoccupied with the gratification of the senses or appetites.
Research shows that men are primarily visual – they react most strongly to sight. Women are primarily auditory (responding to sound) and kinesthetic (responding to touch or hands-on experience.)
Be aware of that. It doesn’t mean that everybody is wired that way, but it guides you in making an effort to evoke all of your senses, even though you’re dominant in one or the other. If you’re a typical visual male, wouldn’t it be interesting if you had to accentuate a different sense? Maybe taste. Your experience might be even sweeter if you open up that sense in addition to the visuals.
If you’re primarily auditory, you might enjoy having your sense of sight heightened.
When you strive to engage all five of your senses, everything wakes up, and it’s all part of the preparation for an incredible, ecstatic sexual experience.
Within the broad range of sensuality, evoking the senses is an obvious way to awaken them. Food will evoke your sense of taste, so think about creating a ritual of tasting foods. That’s an easy one. Use a mirror to evoke your sense of sight. The sight of yourself in a mirror can bring forth a lot of emotion. Looking at your partner, your beloved, in the mirror…the sense of sharing that mirror, sharing sight together…can actually bring you together… it can bring you closer.
You can use Nature to evoke the senses. The birds outside singing or the dry leaves of a tree crunching underfoot evoke your sense of hearing. Take a walk outside and tune in to the sounds around you. Become aware of the smell of the fallen leaves in autumn, or the smell of blossoms in the air in the spring. Maybe a ray of light streaming through the tree branches will remind you to stop and appreciate the beauty that your sense of sight provides.
Visit an area where there are rock formations, or where there’s a lake, because all of Nature is right there, and Nature is a key part to awakening us and giving us a place to play with the senses.
Even right outside your house, you can play on the deck or in your yard and explore what it’s like to feed each other, for example. Do it with a sense of reverence as a ritual; a ritual that you plan and enjoy. Cut up pineapple, or cantaloupe… lay out a ripe bunch of grapes… maybe a few morsels of your lover’s favorite chocolate. Feed her like a queen… or feed him like a king… and let the pleasure that your sense of taste brings you be associated with your lover and your relationship.
Remember that the Kama Sutra is different from what a lot of books and programs and workshops today teach about sex.
The goal of the Kama Sutra is not orgasm! It is not a mechanical route to pleasure.
It is not like a the baseball diamond where you’re getting to first base, second base, third base, and then you hit a home run. It’s about the whole person opening up. It’s about the entire range of your potential, not just for pleasure and ecstatic sexuality, but for intimacy and bonding with your partner. The goal is not orgasm; it’s exploring everything that you can experience together.
I’ve addressed a little bit about sight and looking at beautiful things, and we’ve touched on taste and food, and smelling the aromas of the earth, or the woods, or the food. I’ve reminded you to pay attention to hearing things, like crunching leaves or singing birds. Your sense of hearing includes each other and the sweet words that you say to each other. It includes even the not-so-sweet words you say to each other that are arousing.
Let’s consider one of the primary ways of connecting through the senses – touch. Touch can begin as massage. Some people are intimidated by massage, but it’s easy to learn.
In the teachings from my book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Massage, there are four basic strokes and you can learn how to do these strokes on your own. One of them is called “Rollup,” where you roll like a rolling pin. It’s not a tickling kind of sensation; it’s using your hands on his back, for instance, so that you’re literally rolling like a rolling pin. You use a lot of pressure with this stroke, and always use oil.
Another stroke is “Kneading It.” Knead each other’s shoulders, right down into the crevices of the shoulders. It feels great! Kneading relieves tension and opens us up to each other. It’s another easy stroke that anyone can do, and is a type of affectionate touch.
A third stroke is “Brush It,” where you brush like a cat – without the claws, of course! You create a light touch. It might be a little ticklish, but you might enjoy the light brushing evoking all kinds of lovely sensation in your skin.
“Tapping” is a kind of little drumming touch that is a playful stroke, or a good stroke to use after you’ve massaged your lover with the others.
Always use massage oils to enhance the feel of all of these strokes. Practice them with lots of oil or massage cream. You can even try using powder… anything that lets you glide along the skin. And it also helps if you’re ticklish.
There are also massage devices or tools that you can use to connect with your partner that have the added benefit of alleviating some of the strain and tension of giving a massage. Wooden ones are good for applying pressure to the back, or legs, or buttocks.
Another device called “The Tingler” gently massages pressure points and sensitive nerve endings on the head and neck. Ten wire “fingers” gently massage the scalp, stimulating acupressure points and nerve endings on your head. Besides the wonderful feeling of a scalp massage, it also has healing properties, eliminating stress and tension. It is made from copper, which acts as a conductor tapping into your electrical fields. Use it for yourself or on your partner. A head massage can alleviate headaches, but even if you don’t require the healing properties it certainly feels good. Try it. Most people say it feels way better than they thought it would and is quite relaxing.
Relaxing is good, because great sex happens when our bodies are relaxed. There’s a secret about touch and massage that I want to share with you. Often in our busy lives we don’t know how important it is to make an “Arc of Transition” to get ready for sex. That’s part of the beauty of Kama Sutra teachings.
The Modern Kama Sutra emphasizes “slowing it down.” Having transition from the business of your daily life to the honoring of your partner takes an arc of transition, and some of the things that we’re talking about right now are that transition.
Slowing it down is one of the secrets to getting in harmony with your partner.
We’ve talked a little bit about nature, and using it to evoke the senses. There’s another aspect to nature in The Modern Kama Sutra, and that’s being erotic in nature. To be sexual outside can bring another different element into your relationship… something unusual. Being erotic doesn’t necessarily mean being sexual. But there is a continuum, from sensuality, to erotic to sexual. There is a continuum of touch, and a continuum of how we act, what we say, what we do, how we look, how we walk, how we talk. The erotic can be anywhere in that continuum.
So it doesn’t necessarily mean having full-out sex on a rock, for example – although it can! It means allowing you to be open to that possibility. It might mean just teasing or kissing, or putting your hand on something, or down something, right?
Couples talk about wonderful experiences they have had in their back yard, on a balcony, and even public elevators. One couple enjoyed the beach, and some of their most special memories are from when they first started dating and would lie on the sand together listening to the sounds of the surf. It was very relaxing to their senses, and it sometimes led to making love on the beach.
Maybe this doesn’t appeal to you because you’re not an “outdoors” person. Some people are more indoor types. If you feel like you’re just not an outdoors person, and would never consider being erotic outside in any way at all, that’s okay too. You’re entitled to that! No one should ever push you into something you don’t want to do, or don’t feel comfortable doing.
But it’s something to think about, even if only in a fantasy. You may find yourself slowly warming up to the idea. Getting away from the city and into nature can be quite refreshing. You can feel the energy from the trees and the smells of nature all around you. Tuning into the beauty and letting your senses open up to it makes some people feel free and uninhibited.